Adventures of an Impostor

What’s in the bag?

| aeporterfield

A woman’s purse is a magical, mysterious thing. I was recently at a party with some old friends and we decided to share (like old friends do) the contents of our purses. It was very much like this scene from The Breakfast Club.

The bag sharing began because my friend asked me to hand her her purse and it was soooooo heavy. So I rhetorically asked, “Jeez! What have you got in there!”

And she very seriously responded.

Her bag had several compartments, and each one had a special purpose. Medications, travel documents, tissues and napkins, lipsticks and make up, fancy pens… all very useful items organized in a way that made sense.

Next she shared with us the weighty items. Why is my purse so heavy? Because I always carry an umbrella and a pack of wet wipes!

Then she pulls out a separate zipper pouch and lets each person guess what’s in it. Sewing kit? No. Make up? No. Money? No.

It was an extra pair of panties.

Cue the audible gasps and giggles.

It’s funny because at our age we aren’t having any wild, sexy adventures that would necessitate an extra pair of panties. No, at our age we cough and pee, sneeze and pee, laugh and pee. What have we become?

Our second friend to share didn’t share the entire contents of her bag, just the items that she carried that were similar to the first friend. She had her wallet, chapsticks, pens and wet wipes.

Then it was my turn. It started out very normally. I also have a wallet, pens and chapsticks! Ooh, and hand creme! All very normal things! Oh, and this is a rock I found, and here are some feathers I found. And what’s this? Oh these are some pieces of popcorn left over from the last time we went to the movies I guess. And here I have a bunch of old candy wrappers and receipts. I have a quarter, a nickel, and a penny.

So basically my purse is full of trash and things I found on the ground.

It was very revealing.

I’m not actually a woman, I’m three raccoons in an overcoat.

And somehow I keep getting invited to parties.

Winter Wonders

| aeporterfield

I’ve been interested in photography as a hobby for a while now, but I have found it to be prohibitively expensive. So, several years ago my husband bought me some little lenses that stick on your phone’s camera. He found them on Groupon Goods for $7. You can read more about them here. The set came with a wide-angle lens and a fish-eye lens, but I have had the most fun with the little macro lens. We are having a real winter here for the first time in ages, and I was able to get up close and personal with some flurries.

We are expecting several more inches of snow over the next few days. This will be the biggest snow event we’ve seen since I was little, and I’m so excited for my kids to experience a “real” winter snow! Hopefully I’ll be able to get some good shots of the kids and the snow this week. Fingers crossed that we don’t lose power during all this. I made sure to get our bread and milk yesterday 🙂

Stay safe and warm, and enjoy the snow!

Doubt

| aeporterfield

A seed

in a wayward wind it blew,

it lit on me

took root, and grew.

The soil was rich,

and fertile, too.

And from that seed

a vine did sprout-

a pesky weed,

a creeping doubt-

came winding in

and winding out.

It grew so fast

and so complete,

it bound my hands

and bound my feet-

I can’t advance,

I can’t retreat.

This pestilential plant I’ve found

has got me rooted to the ground,

but I can’t make a single sound.

I just let it take me down.

Doubt is such a tricky thing. Even the spelling is tricky. Pretty sneaky, silent b! Doubt is an uncertainty, a mistrusting. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I mean, I believe it’s important to face life with a healthy skepticism. You know, take everything with a grain of salt. What I have, and what this poem is referencing, is a crippling self-doubt. A doubt in my abilities, a doubt in my intelligence, a doubt in my worthiness. And this feeling persists regardless of any evidence to contrary. No amount of success has been able to erase it.

Apparently this feeling has a name- impostor syndrome. It’s the feeling that any achievement or success a person may experience is based on luck, or charm, or any other factor rather than actual knowledge, experience, competence, etc. I cannot believe or accept that I’ve earned or deserved any award or accomplishment I’ve received in my whole life ever. All my degrees and certificates are shoved in a box in the back of a closet somewhere because they aren’t real, they are meaningless, and I don’t deserve them. I always feel like I’m in over my head, but at the same time I have to keep pushing myself to do more and be more because I crave validation. Gold stars, pats on the back, affirmations, whatever. I’m a big black hole of need. So I work too much, I take on extra responsibilities, I over-prepare and yet the cycle continues. Nothing is ever enough, nothing satisfies. The voice in my head tells me, “You don’t deserve this.” “Don’t get a big head- nobody likes a know-it-all.” and the one that makes me the most sad, “Who are you to want this, to dream this?”

So in a weird way, impostor syndrome pushes me and holds me back at the same time. I feel like I excel at being mediocre. I’m afraid to try new things because I don’t think I’ll be successful, but even if I was successful it wouldn’t be good enough. I think even if I won a Nobel Prize, the voice in my head would say, “So what? Anybody could do that.”

OK, so you have a problem. But what to do about it? I did some reading and research (because of course I did…) and I found this article from The Muse to be helpful. I need to be more mindful of the way I think and speak about myself and my accomplishments. Stop seeking external validation, and learn to cultivate internal validation. Take risks, try new things, and focus more on the process, not the product. Screw up and be OK with it. And finally, make friends with that inner voice. If I can’t shut her up, at least I don’t have to listen to her.

To this end, I’ve decided every month to try something new, something that pushes me out of my comfort zone. Something I might even (gasp!) NOT BE GOOD AT. Something at which I might even (gulp!) FAIL. I have no idea what this will look like or how it will unfold, because I’m so deeply entrenched in my comfort zone that I can’t even see beyond it. So in the coming days and weeks I’ll be doing some soul searching and reflecting. What is something I’ve always wanted to try? What would I love to do if I wasn’t afraid? Amazingly, these questions draw complete blanks. I have no idea. So I guess this month’s adventure is compiling a list. Which on the surface seems boring and stupid, but hey, you have to start somewhere.

And I’ll learn to embrace my inner impostor along the way.