A woman’s purse is a magical, mysterious thing. I was recently at a party with some old friends and we decided to share (like old friends do) the contents of our purses. It was very much like this scene from The Breakfast Club.

The bag sharing began because my friend asked me to hand her her purse and it was soooooo heavy. So I rhetorically asked, “Jeez! What have you got in there!”

And she very seriously responded.

Her bag had several compartments, and each one had a special purpose. Medications, travel documents, tissues and napkins, lipsticks and make up, fancy pens… all very useful items organized in a way that made sense.

Next she shared with us the weighty items. Why is my purse so heavy? Because I always carry an umbrella and a pack of wet wipes!

Then she pulls out a separate zipper pouch and lets each person guess what’s in it. Sewing kit? No. Make up? No. Money? No.

It was an extra pair of panties.

Cue the audible gasps and giggles.

It’s funny because at our age we aren’t having any wild, sexy adventures that would necessitate an extra pair of panties. No, at our age we cough and pee, sneeze and pee, laugh and pee. What have we become?

Our second friend to share didn’t share the entire contents of her bag, just the items that she carried that were similar to the first friend. She had her wallet, chapsticks, pens and wet wipes.

Then it was my turn. It started out very normally. I also have a wallet, pens and chapsticks! Ooh, and hand creme! All very normal things! Oh, and this is a rock I found, and here are some feathers I found. And what’s this? Oh these are some pieces of popcorn left over from the last time we went to the movies I guess. And here I have a bunch of old candy wrappers and receipts. I have a quarter, a nickel, and a penny.

So basically my purse is full of trash and things I found on the ground.

It was very revealing.

I’m not actually a woman, I’m three raccoons in an overcoat.

And somehow I keep getting invited to parties.